Beauty from Ashes

"…to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that HE might be glorified." (Isaiah 61:3)

Mourning and the spirit of heaviness can be caused by many things, but for me it seems most often to be caused by my sin. And yet, no sooner do I finish crying out to God for deliverance once more from this body of sin, than He does things that cause me to praise Him all over again! And suddenly my mourning is turned to joy as He moves me once more from darkness into the light of His beauty and glory! Oh how faithful He ever is to us who are so unfaithful and so helpless without Him!

I've been struggling for a couple of weeks. A big road trip was coming up (my 10 year-old grandson and I will drive for our fourth and last day today to reach our destination in Texas) and there was much to be done to prepare for the trip; much to be done ahead of time since I would be gone for three long weeks. My husband, who had been out of town for six weeks, came home two weeks ago and after such a long absence, there always seems to be a period of re-adjusting to one another that goes on, in this case, made a bit more rough by all my preparations and little attention spent on him. Not that I was paying much attention to me either, especially to my program of weight loss. As each day went on, I told myself I would "catch-up" on my program work "tomorrow" until finally, on the second day of my travels, I found myself checking into the hotel room with my grandson, sitting in the room's recliner and polishing off his uneaten bag of popcorn that the hotel had provided to him free of charge…all of that AFTER I had eaten MORE than my share of calories that day already!

A month ago, I would not even have been tempted by that popcorn; but I was in a different place spiritually today than a month ago and I had been in this place for almost two weeks now…losing my focus on the Lord, feeling as though my thoughts were always on food…just like it used to be. In all the busy-ness and all the distractions, I just couldn't seem to re-focus properly on the Lord and on my program. I realized just before I left on this trip that I had missed a whole week of lessons in my program lesson book. I found it almost impossible to believe I had lost a whole week, but I had! I felt a very gradual descent into the darkness coming upon me again.

The morning following the popcorn indulgence (Tuesday) I woke up very early (a guilty conscience often does that to me) but remained in bed contemplating my sin and what had brought it on. I came up with the usual excuses: a) my husband has demanded so much of my time and attention that I haven't had time to do my daily lessons (he's always my first choice of scapegoat, poor thing); b) it's all the pressure I'm feeling to succeed now that I've told everyone about my victory and even posted it on my blog; c) I've just had NO TIME with all the preparations for this trip; d) it's…it's…well, I couldn't think of the other reasons at the moment, but there must have been other reasons.

But what I was left with was the fear of how many people would be so disappointed in me when I returned from my trip weighing 50 pounds heavier than when I left. I jumped up and ran to the mirror. Yep, there it was…I could SEE my body EXPANDING already with weight gain even as I stood there looking in the mirror, sort of like Pinocchio's nose growing with each lie. That's what I was…just a LIAR. Being in a small hotel room with my grandson, there remained no place for me to hide in the darkness of my shame except the shower.

It was there that I cried out to God: Help me! Help me please! I KNEW my sin was towards HIM, not others, and yet it was OTHERS that I was fearing, it was their RESPONSE, THEIR DISAPPOINTMENT IN ME that I dreaded….not the Lord's. I could see it and yet felt helpless to control it. And I cried out to the Lord even more! Finally, I finished my shower, dressed, and coaxed my grandson, who had just sat up in his bed, to go back to sleep as it was early still (to which he gratefully responded by rolling over and burying himself deep in his blankets again). II sat down still feeling very far from the Lord, still wallowing in my shame and self-loathing. What exactly had caused me to sin after such a long stint of really easy victory? What was I going to do now? Maybe if I fasted I could lose all this weight that I was suddenly gaining (mind you I have no scale to tell me I had gained, just my guilty conscience…similar to Adam and Eve suddenly being aware that they were naked.) I was attempting to hide my sin behind fig leaves just as they tried to do.

Not ready to hear what the Word of God had to tell me quite yet, I reached instead for a book that I had brought along with me called "The Law of Liberty in the Spiritual Life." Upon merely opening the book, the page turned to an excerpt which immediately caught my eye about Jacob's struggle with the Angel of the Lord of which the author wrote:

"The power of resistance – which is self-will – being broken, the strength to cling – which is faith – is now brought into exercise. So we see Jacob, the moment his thigh was out of joint, no longer wrestling, but clinging – no longer an antagonist resisting an enemy, but as a suppliant in an attitude of earnest entreaty: "I will not let Thee go, except Thou bless me."

I re-read that same passage three times at least…self-will…self-will. Oh, not that AGAIN!

Suddenly, the clock/radio on the bedside table began to talk…really loud! My grandson jerked his head up and we both stared at the clock/radio (for different reasons, obviously) as it said these words:

"Proverbs 28:13 says 'He who covers his transgressions will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes his sins will obtain mercy." The preacher who spoke those words then began to preach about that very sin of lying, trying to cover sin, and suddenly I felt like laughing!

Laughing that the Lord would use such methods to bring me to my spiritual senses! A page out of a book I hadn't opened for months – a talking clock/radio that spoke directly to my sin as I contemplated how I could get out of the mess I was in. How amazing that He loves me enough to prepare ALL of this, knowing in advance where I would be spiritually! How amazing IS our GOD?

The Lord reminded me that it was confession of my sin in the first place that had brought about victory over the sin of gluttony for such a long time. It was not my cleverness, OR my spirituality. It was simply God's divine principle at work: bring your sins out of the darkness and into the light, confess your faults one to another, and I will heal you, He reminded me. His healing WAS my victory…yet not mine, but HIS alone; purchased with His own obedience at the cross.

And so, once more, I confess that I have sinned. Once more I confess my sin to GOD first (who already knew it) and then to my fellow sisters in the Lord to whom I have made myself accountable in His name.

Jesus has once again turned the ashes of my sin and shame into the beauty of restored fellowship with the Father for which I praise HIM!

Perhaps I have gained weight, I don't know and won't know for now. But, if I have, it will come off again. He's not done with me YET! And it isn't, after all, about losing weight. I think I forgot that for awhile.

It's about restoration; it's about a LIFETIME of obedience to the Lord; it's about being transformed into HIS image. That's the REAL goal of this weight loss program and all else that the Lord brings our way….that's HIS goal:

"JESUS, the author and finisher of our faith." (Hebrews 12:2)

HE IS ABLE.